I spend so much time thinking
that I need to figure out how to recognize my cue when it comes. The cue that will be my signal that my life
is about to begin. At 43 I have these predominant
moments where I still feel like I am waiting for my life to start. I have three kids, one an adult, one in
college, and the youngest in high school.
My life has already started. I’ve
been living it. But the old thought
habits remain. They still tell me that I
need to be ready for that cue. It might
come any day. But if it is a cue that I
think I need, then I believe those thought habits have become ghosts of their
former selves. Their former selves are
dead; the ghosts are all that remain and the ghosts are lying to me.
I spend a ridiculously
inordinate amount of time sitting around and daydreaming. The ‘and’ is important because sitting around
is a separate act from daydreaming. I
sit around without daydreaming. I
daydream without sitting around. I am a
multi-faceted person. But really, I
think way too much about the “what if” factors of the ideal me that I see in my
head. The possibilities that were there
for me all those years ago that the ghosts have convinced me are still there.
I am too old to believe that
I can realistically start out as an actor now and play a lead on Broadway. I don’t have the résumé. But I can start now just the same. I have talent, for whatever that’s
worth. I enjoy the work, and it is
work. I love creating a believable
person. I love releasing my creativity
that way.
I look forward to trying to
find a place in the creative community where I can be that person. I want to try to find my own true self, and
to let that self out. I want to be in a
comfortable environment where I can release that creativity. But more than the simplistic desire of
finding that place, or that group, or that environment I want to find success
doing those things and being that person.
I could find some remote communal society to fulfill my inane wishes if
all I want is to be able to narcissistically “let it all go man” and never meet
resistance, whether through criticism or rejection. As much as simply performing, I want to live
the life. I want to find growth through
struggle. I want to feel and appreciate
growth, success, failure, ecstasy, and Zen in a group. To set goals and achieve them. To be a part of the whole and something
bigger than I am as an individual.
It has been said that with age
comes wisdom. There is truth there. But age also comes with trepidation and
anxiety and most of all a lack of self-confidence that you’ve really got what
it takes. But I see myself countering
age with age. What I mean by that is
this: When an actor goes into an
audition, if he can not find his confidence then he is finished before he has
begun. If he trembles, if he stumbles,
if he presents anything that betrays his preparation or his abilities them he
will not accomplish his goal. But if he
knows who he is, if he is aware of both his strengths and his shortcomings, if
he throws it all out there in performing his audition then he has nothing to
regret. He has no reason for shame. If he is not cast then it is for some reason out
of his control. And there is what I mean by countering age with age. If you age well enough, if you mature and
grow as a person, then you bring other skills into the picture. You know yourself. You know, for example, that having been a
father you might be able to be a more believable father in performance. Having been a supervisor at a “regular” job,
you know how to lead people or to manage a group. Having been to job interviews you know that
confidence is key. Eye contact, engaging
conversation, listening before responding; these are all not only relevant to
acting but required if you want to do it well.
And auditions are just another form of job interview. I’m sure I can handle that. Well, if I can relax.
Ha.
