Meet the new plans... Same as the old plans...

I spend so much time thinking that I need to figure out how to recognize my cue when it comes.  The cue that will be my signal that my life is about to begin.  At 43 I have these predominant moments where I still feel like I am waiting for my life to start.  I have three kids, one an adult, one in college, and the youngest in high school.  My life has already started.  I’ve been living it.  But the old thought habits remain.  They still tell me that I need to be ready for that cue.  It might come any day.  But if it is a cue that I think I need, then I believe those thought habits have become ghosts of their former selves.  Their former selves are dead; the ghosts are all that remain and the ghosts are lying to me.

I spend a ridiculously inordinate amount of time sitting around and daydreaming.  The ‘and’ is important because sitting around is a separate act from daydreaming.  I sit around without daydreaming.  I daydream without sitting around.  I am a multi-faceted person.  But really, I think way too much about the “what if” factors of the ideal me that I see in my head.  The possibilities that were there for me all those years ago that the ghosts have convinced me are still there.

I am too old to believe that I can realistically start out as an actor now and play a lead on Broadway.  I don’t have the résumé.  But I can start now just the same.  I have talent, for whatever that’s worth.  I enjoy the work, and it is work.  I love creating a believable person.  I love releasing my creativity that way.

I look forward to trying to find a place in the creative community where I can be that person.  I want to try to find my own true self, and to let that self out.  I want to be in a comfortable environment where I can release that creativity.  But more than the simplistic desire of finding that place, or that group, or that environment I want to find success doing those things and being that person.  I could find some remote communal society to fulfill my inane wishes if all I want is to be able to narcissistically “let it all go man” and never meet resistance, whether through criticism or rejection.  As much as simply performing, I want to live the life.  I want to find growth through struggle.  I want to feel and appreciate growth, success, failure, ecstasy, and Zen in a group.  To set goals and achieve them.  To be a part of the whole and something bigger than I am as an individual.

It has been said that with age comes wisdom.  There is truth there.  But age also comes with trepidation and anxiety and most of all a lack of self-confidence that you’ve really got what it takes.  But I see myself countering age with age.  What I mean by that is this:  When an actor goes into an audition, if he can not find his confidence then he is finished before he has begun.  If he trembles, if he stumbles, if he presents anything that betrays his preparation or his abilities them he will not accomplish his goal.  But if he knows who he is, if he is aware of both his strengths and his shortcomings, if he throws it all out there in performing his audition then he has nothing to regret.  He has no reason for shame.  If he is not cast then it is for some reason out of his control. And there is what I mean by countering age with age.  If you age well enough, if you mature and grow as a person, then you bring other skills into the picture.  You know yourself.  You know, for example, that having been a father you might be able to be a more believable father in performance.  Having been a supervisor at a “regular” job, you know how to lead people or to manage a group.  Having been to job interviews you know that confidence is key.  Eye contact, engaging conversation, listening before responding; these are all not only relevant to acting but required if you want to do it well.  And auditions are just another form of job interview.  I’m sure I can handle that.  Well, if I can relax.  

Ha.